I’m so exhausted I don’t know where to begin.
First, I guess, a little catch up on what’s been happening since my last post: I hosted a primetime poetry night event at the Sydney Writers Festival, called Rhythm of the Word, which featured performances from Anthony Joseph, Nguyen Phan Quê Mai, Joshua Whitehead, and Madison Godfrey.
Here’s me, MC-ing, looking hot but also insufferable, which is the natural state of poets. Honestly, I had a wonderful time, despite operating on no sleep.
(pictured from left to right: Anthony Joseph, Joshua Whitehead, Nguyen Phan Quê Mai, me, Madison Godfrey)
A couple days later, I officially launched my new book, Non-Essential Work, into the world with Bankstown Poetry Slam, the biggest slam in the country, which regularly attracts hundreds of young people from my communities to hear and perform poems, making it an utterly invaluable and beautiful space/event/organisation. We had 300 people, and I was overwhelmed to be honest, I kept struggling not to break down (for too many reasons to go into now.)
Lastly, I have three poems from my collection feature in the June issue of Poetry Magazine. I have been sending my poems to Poetry for ten years, and this is the first time I’ve been successful. There’s a lot to be said about the unthinking veneration we have of the publications and accounts and prizes called “prestigious”—invariably that word boils down to money, to elite funding, the kind that provides a gloss to everything—and I’ve spoken about that before and no doubt will again.
What makes this special to me, though, is simple: the poetry foundation website is what I read for years. Everything they print is there, free, and it was an extraordinary resource to me as a young, broke poet. I dreamed of one day seeing my words in that particular font, in that size, on that website, and I’m stunned to have achieved that goal. I’m also not going to front: I did get paid well, not just for the poems, but for recording the audio and the podcast, and I needed it badly. I’m not sure how I’m going to get through the next few months, I’ve been applying for jobs for nearly a year without luck, and having to care for a one-year-old baby means I just don’t have the time or energy to pursue my writing in the way I used to, despite writing being the only sure way I can earn an income. It’s a weird, shitty bind to be in and I hope I can find a way out of it soon.
I’m dealing with autistic burnout, with physical and mental exhaustion, with post-Covid recovery, with the relentless grind (and joy and love) of raising a baby, while trying in whatever fits and spurts I can to promote my new book, and applying for every job and opportunity I can. I want to thank my paid subscribers so much for sticking around, despite not having written much here lately, because every dollar counts, it helps so much, and I can’t be glib about it. We have enrolled our baby in daycare, starting at the end of this month, and for the first time in a year, I will have entire working days to give myself a chance to recuperate and write.
I genuinely struggle to imagine it. We have not had a single day off, no babysitting from family—except in the three medical emergencies we had in the past year—no respite at all. I don’t know how we did it, but I feel the cost of it in my mind and heart and spirit every day. I don’t need to imagine it though, because it’s coming, and Insha’Allah this will lead to a more active presence on here. There’s so much more I want to say, but even this small amount has taken the length of his nap time, and he is about to wake.
Salaam,
Omar
what a thrill, truly, to see your work on the poetry foundation! what you said about the site, the font - i know exactly what you mean. i spend a lot of time when i'm sad or lonely reading poetry there, trying to find evidence that someone understands what i'm feeling, i guess. to see your words there, in that font and everything, was going in search of that connection and finding the very best evidence of it. (also i don't know if i had ever heard you read any of your poems, but i listened to the audios and they were so beautiful! what a voice. mashallah.)
obviously i can only speak for myself, but i didn't decide to subscribe to your newsletter expecting a certain number of updates per month or anything like that. i just wanted to support a great artist (and friend!) whose work has brought me a lot of comfort and joy. i know from experience how stressful it is to rely on subscriber dollars for income, though, so i hope you're able to find something stable and secure for you and your family very soon. keeping you and your family in my prayers always. 💜
Thank you so much habibi 💜💜💜